C-Notes
American Freedom Edition
Aloha humen. It has been quite a while since we last strolled hand in hand like this. Some of you may think that this is the first C-Notes of the summer. Not so munchkins. I wrote one upon my arrival in the great city of Detroit. Some of the members of D’Carlo did not appreciate the story however, and it was not published. I don’t want to name any names, but if you insist it was Chris. So there is a C-Notes floating around out there somewhere, forever lost in the annals of Jud’s computer. Also I have a copy on my computer. Anyways lets get this party started, I promise to try not to offend anyone this time, except Steve, he’s fucking dead meat.
One day around the Fourth of July, Judson was sitting in his palace of a bedroom, like any good American, writing love songs. The best love songs you’ve never heard. He was just sitting there strumming his guitar and singing flowing melodies about romance, heartbreak, kissing, lovemaking, butt fucking, and every other thing people in love do. All of a sudden Barry ran up the stairs. This took Jud by surprise. He was so surprised he had to ask Barry for the clean pair of shorts in the laundry basket at the top of the stairs. Jud could tell that Barry was very excited. Since he had just been appointed the band’s new manager, Jud thought that he had landed them a new awesome gig or something. But then Barry explained himself. He told Jud that he had been down in the basement cleaning up some shit from the raging party the week before when he found a loose board in the wall. Barry, being an expert carpenter, decided to take the board off the wall and replace it with a new one. When he took the board off the wall he noticed something strange in the darkness. He looked closer and you will never guess what he found. A treasure map. Not only that there was a long tunnel you could crawl through that led to a strange world full of fantastic creatures of bright color and goblins of dark green. Jud couldn’t believe the story Barry was telling him. Then it dawned on him that Barry had been missing for about three days, and this would explain why. But he thought that maybe Barry had lost his mind. Jud said all right let me see the map Barebones. Barry produced the map from his back pocket. It was quite a large map. At one end of the map was the D’Carlo house, and at the other end was a huge X. Obviously the X marked the spot where a treasure was buried or hidden. The only thing that was in their way was their inexperience in the fantasy world behind the basement walls. Jud and Barry decided to call the rest of the members of the band and brainstorm about how to go about navigating the fantasyland in the basement.
When James, Chris, and Steve arrived on the scene Judson and Barry explained to them the situation. They could hardly believe their ears. Chris asked to see the map to get a better sense of the circumstances. As he was looking at the map he realized that the compass was inverted from what a normal compass would be. So East was West and North was South and vice versa. This was very hard for him to get his puny Icelandic brain around. He felt kind of ashamed for a minute and then he remembered something that always cheered him up. He told himself hey at least I’m not as brain-dead and Steve. Man is that guy stupid. Probly from banging on the drums so much. I wonder why he does that so much. Oh yeah cause he’s in my band…. They took a band vote to see what they would do about the map. Barry Jud and James all voted to crawl through the tunnel and try and see if they could find whatever was at the X. Chris voted no because his Icelandic Sixth Sense was tingling, or maybe he just had to go pee. I hope you don’t mind if I say pee. Steve didn’t vote because he didn’t understand the concept of democracy or voting. Kind of like George W. Bush, I suppose. In any event it was a 3-2 vote so they reluctantly followed each other down the stairs to the place where Barry had uncovered the secret crawl space. Right before they got in Judson remembered something he forgot to ask James. He asked him this question: James how did you finish in the Speed Walking Tournament of Champions? Pretty Sweet, replied James, I finished first overall and got second in only two of the ten events. That’s amazing commented Judson. Let’s do this thing!
With that final remark your favorite band in the world commenced to crawl through the tunnel in the Hereford basement. When they got to the other side they could not believe what they were witnessing. It was a world of fantastic proportions. James was so inspired that he sang the introduction to Strauss’ “Also Sprach Zarathustra”. There was a Candy Cane forest and looking glass skies. In the distance there was a ferris wheel, and a tilt-o-whirl. Before they could finish looking all around them there was a strange rumbling and the map began to quiver in Barry’s back pocket. He kind of liked it, but then the map floated out of his pocket and unfolded in front of them. Suddenly words appeared on the map. No one could understand what was happening or why, but Steve was so scared that he shat his pants, again. When they words were done forming Judson read them aloud. It was a riddle and it went a little something like this:
“Ye who seek this treasure great
Had better not believe in fate
The words of Rand will be your guide
The Architect they loved to hate
By one rule did he abide
Find his name you treasure seekers
And you will see him with your peepers”
Steve shat again. Chris moved a little bit away from Steve and said, that has got to be the weirdest rhyme pattern I have ever seen! At this point I would like to say that yes maybe that rhyme scheme is unorthodox, but hey I’m a certified genius I can do whatever I want, peasants. I mean awesome people who love my writing and me. Back to the story. Obviously you are all wondering what the hell that riddle means. I know what it means. Let’s see if the people in the story can figure it out. Obviously we can count Steve out because he is too stupid to do anything besides shit uncontrollably. Chris is only slightly smarter than Steve. Barry said, hey dudes I found the map you guys figure out what that means. James agreed saying, dudes I’m the greatest speed walker in the world I don’t know shit about no riddles, and lit a cigarette. This leaves one person left to figure it out. Judson, of course. Since Judson was apparently the smartest and least lazy of the group he decided to use his vast knowledge of books to decipher the riddle. The name Rand jumped out at him. Obviously this meant the great objectivist writer and thinker Ayn Rand. The next thing that caught his attention was the word architect. Obviously this meant the poem was referring to the main character in Ayn Rand’s book, The Fountainhead. His name is most certainly Howard Roark. Judson blurted out the name Roark. Roark! The next thing they all knew the wind was blowing and the skies turned a dark black. They heard a voice say, Hey hey hey here I come to help you find the way to the treasure! And my name is Roark! No relation to the character in Mrs. Rand’s book, but I just liked the name so much I changed mine to match it. HEEHEEHEE.!!!!!
This laughter made Steve happy and he started smiling and clapping, just like Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” It was probly his fat mother. Finally Roark began to appear in front of the group. He was a small mythical looking character, almost cartoonish in nature. He was the color yellow, and his hair was bright neon green. His eyes were abnormally large with oversized pupils. He was quite light on his feet and incredibly acrobatic, I know this because he was doing somersaults and cartwheels and flips and handstands, and then he did flashdance. When he had finally calmed down he spoke once more. So you guys finally found the fucking map we hid in your basement two years ago I see. No matter, let’s talk about the treasure and the long treacherous journey that lay before you humen. I cannot tell you what the treasure is, although I can tell you that with it in your possession you can do whatever you want. On your journey you will encounter many strange things that you have never seen before. Some of them will be good things, and some of them will be bad things. Some of them may try and trick you into giving them the map. So whatever you do don’t give the map up to anyone, not even me. Without that map you will be forever lost in this fantasy la-la land, not to mention that you will never find the treasure without it. I will leave you now to start on your journey, I will check in periodically on your progress and to give you some hints.
Interlude
(It has been brought to my attention that this C-Notes could literally go on forever. I have the highest respect for the person who brought this to my attention. It was I. That’s right folks I brought up that point to myself over a nice hot cooked meal, and I couldn’t have agreed more with myself. So from here on out I will try to keep the story moving quickly, and I will save some of my ideas for future C-Notes. One last side note: isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?)
With that our favorite band started walking down a path that appeared out of nowhere. It wasn’t a yellow brick road or anything like that; it was a simple dirt path. James began to have this funny feeling that they were being watched from the trees. He spoke: I feel like we are being followed dudes. Maybe we should look at the map and start to figure out where we need to go. He looked behind them once more and realized that the trees were closing in on them, making the path disappear behind them. This gave the group a sick feeling in their little tummies. No sooner had they pulled out the map, that they noticed something had emerged from the woods and took Steve into the darkness. They could here him screaming for help but they couldn’t figure out how to help him. All of a sudden another mythical looking creature emerged from the trees. He stood before them wearing a large cloak with a hood that covered his face. He extended his long boney hand toward our favorite rock band in the whole world. He spoke: You humen with the map, you are seeking the treasure, no? They answered yes, they were seeking the treasure. The tall grim reaper type character spoke once more: I know of an easier way than following that map all the way to the X. I can take you directly to the X, but first you will have to prove yourselves to me through a series of individual tests followed by one group test. The tests may be as simple as answering one question, or it could be a physical test of some sort. Or you can refuse my offer and follow that map, and possibly never find the treasure. Barry thought about this proposition for a moment, because as the band’s new manager he wouldn’t let the band do anything without his approval. Finally, after a few minutes of weighing his options he asked this question: Why do you wish to help us, big weird looking guy whose face I can’t see. You could just as easily take one of use or take the map and leave us here for dead. The mythical man responded with this answer, while pointing at Chris ‘Iceland’ Handloser: This one here made me do it. I saw him from a distance and I was immediately drawn closer. There is something pure in his heart that I will never understand. This pureness of heart is what made me sympathize with you humen. I was once a human. But I became trapped in this fantasy la la land on my twenty second birthday. That was three hundred years ago. The more time I spent in the woods, the more I learned about the magic of this place and how to use it. Now I am the most powerful thing in fantasy la la land, and I am the reason the flowers are so big. I found the treasure a long time ago, and I have no use for it here in fantasy la la land. That is why when I saw the pure one I decided to give you the treasure. Do you accept my challenge or do you wish to continue on your own?
Chris blurted out: We accept, we accept! I thank you mythical man whose face I can’t see for seeing the pureness of my Icelandic heart. These pigfucks always make fun of me for it, that and my claim to have a sixth sense in times of need or desperation. Anyways, let me be the first to take a challenge.
On that note the cloaked mythical man thought of a fitting challenge for his new Icelandic friend. Then it came to him, the most ridiculous question he had ever thought of. He said something like this: Chris what happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8? This question stumped Chris. He had always been a fan of the NFL, growing up in Detroit. He had no idea what would happen. So he had to think fast, and came up with a pretty good solution. He explained that every division would have a playoff with all teams, single elimination. Each team would draw random ballets in order to be ranked. They would then proceed to have a regular playoff season, leading up to the Super Bowl. The cloaked mythical man pondered this answer for a few minutes. Then he spoke: Very nice answer Chris. I like the ingenuity you displayed in formulating such a good answer in such a little amount of time. You win. Now you may wait till the rest of your group finishes their challenges. Who wishes to be next? Barry decided he would go next.
The strange cloaked mythical man, whose face they could not see asked him this question: If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible? Barry thought for a while. He couldn’t figure out this one, it was a real brain buster. One of those trick questions. He couldn’t figure out if it was even possible for there to be a hole going through the entire earth. Then the answer came to him. He spoketh: I have come to a conclusion good cloaked man. It would be physically impossible to drill a hole from one pole to the other. Once you breach the crust the inner layers of the world become various forms of liquid metal that are constantly in motion. It would be impossible with current technology to build any kind of bracing to keep a clear hole with. Barry was quite proud of himself for coming up with an answer as complex as the question. The cloaked man felt the same way for Barebones. Congratulations Barry, he said, that is the best answer to that question I have ever heard. Now go wait with Chris I have two more tests to administer. These next two are going to be a little ridiculous though, you might want to stick around and watch. Which one of you will be next? Judson raised his hand and put out his smoke. I am, were the words he spoke.
Very well, spoke the strange mythically cloaked man. This test is going to test your singing and dancing abilities my sweet love song writing American. I want you to remember what the founding fathers did for you so you could write those beautiful songs. Your challenge is to sing a song. What song you may ask, only the greatest love song of all time. And no it’s not by Barry Manilow. It’s by the Divinyls, and it’s called ‘I Touch Myself’. Jud couldn’t believe his ears, it was his favorite song of all time. Before he knew it he heard the pulsating sound of the opening guitar riff coming from somewhere in the trees. A little snare fill, and Jud was off and singing: I love myself, I want you to love me, When I’m feeling down, I want you above me, I search myself, I want you to find me, I forget myself, I want you to remind me I don’t want anybody else, When I think about you I touch myself I don’t want anybody else Oh no oh no oh no You're the one who makes me happy honey,
You're the sun who makes me shine, When you're around I'm always laughing, I want to make you mine I close my eyes,
And see you before me,
Think I would die,
If you were to ignore me,
A fool could see,
Just how much I adore you,
I get down on my knees,
I'd do anything for you I don’t want anybody else, When I think about you I touch myself I don’t want anybody else Oh no oh no oh no. After that the song basically repeats. Judson performed full song and dance. He touched himself, he wiggled he writhed; he unbuttoned his top three buttons so you could see his chest and his chain with the spoon for up his nose. It was a performance worthy of any Las Vegas act. The cloaked mythical man applauded with great vigor. Congratulations, he told Judson, you have just sung the greatest rendition of the greatest love song I have ever seen. I know you can’t see my face but I shed a single tear during the second chorus. Truly, that was very beautiful. Now you way join the others and watch on as I test the last remaining member of you humen.
He then turned and spoke to James: I have for you the hardest challenge. No one has ever surpassed this final and most challenging test. I wish you luck. When I was an earthly human I was a champion speed walker. I know now that most humen are lazy and barely even walk at a normal pace. I challenge you to a speed walking race of one mile. James laughed and said you my friend are in for a rude awakening. I am in peak physical speed walking condition right now. I just won the Speed Walking Tournament of Champions back in reality. The cloaked mythical man paused for a moment in disbelief and then let out a slow groan. James laughed his maniacal laugh we all know so well. They stepped up to the starting line, and waited for the starting gun. James looked like a tiger or a puma waiting to pounce on its prey. He had a look in his eyes that would scare even Joe Piscopo. The gun fires, and they are off arms swinging in pace with the stride with one foot on the ground at all times. The speed is faster than a leisurely stroll, but not as fast as a jog or a run. For the first lap they were neck and neck. Then James put into the next gear and took a commanding lead during the second lap. All he had to do was hold the lead for the next two laps and the treasure was D’Carlo’s. As James crossed the finish line he knew he had won by a landslide and he began to jump around like a hyena. Barry Jud and Chris all jumped for joy as well, then they realized that Steve was still missing, and the mood changed to somber. The cloaked mythical man realized what they were sad about and told them not to worry because once they had the treasure they were in complete control of everything in the universe, even fantasy la la land. Yippeeeee! Exclaimed D’Carlo minus Steve. The mythically cloaked man led them through the woods to the treasure. I can’t tell you what the treasure was, just like in an independent movie. It was very shiny though. Once they had the treasure the first order of business to was to get Steve back from wherever he was. They decided to see just how powerful his treasure was. Barry suggested they see if the treasure could teleport Steve to them without them having to look for him. It worked. Steve appeared out of nowhere and exclaimed: Dudes thanks for saving me. That was worse than the time I had to pay Courtney’s bar tab because some girl put seven glasses of wine on it without asking. But it wasn’t Lauren and Jehone’s fault. It was the crazy one’s fault. Then the group decided it was time to go home and get some sleep before the upcoming tour. When they got back to the pad James said: Man I sure am glad I’m an American, and I can live free. Everyone agreed with him, except Steve because he was dumber than everyone. He thought that it would help his situation out if we lived in a communist society where everyone would be held back as much as he was. What a loser. Anyways, our favorite band used the treasure to their advantage and eventually gained a tremendous amount of success which culminated in a sold out concert at Madison Square Garden ten years in the future. That’s an entirely different story though.
Love C-Class
P.s. that shit came off the top of my head ya’ll
p.p.s I hope you enjoyed the American Freedom Edition of C-Notes as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know it was kind of long, but I can think of things that are longer. Like my penis. Cue music: Neil Diamond ‘America’
